PIRATE == INDUSTRIAL >> Sarbear's Journal

Why?
Okay. So... you know how I feel about Daniel, my ex? I mean... he was my life. ... I mean... I mean. I promised him everything, everything. When I said that I daydreamed about living with Elijah, ETC... I meant it... but, I would have married Dan in an instant... like. Just. He was the most amazing guy I've ever known, my WHOLE life. And then... when we broke up... I always promised myself ... okay, you're not going to fall back into old habits... you're not going to cut. You're not going to get depressed... you have Eli. ... and right now, I couldn't ask for more. I mean that... I do. Man. FUCK. I do. I, I can't even explain how much I love him... y'know? Like, it makes me tear up just to think about it. Because I... I... just fucking love him. I can't explain it, and I can't put it into words. It's, just, definitely, totally unexplainable. Phenomenal. It's so hard to say it... it's so hard to hurt him, and leave him in the cold like this. Not telling him, and telling you. Sorting my problems out with my ex, of all people. And not him. I can just imagine how that makes him feel. And... that hurts. So, so fucking bad. But... even now I don't know if I can even tell him or not. I mean. =\. I dunno. That guy is... Elijah is everything to me. I mean. I can't really say anything to justify that. I think about him constantly, I daydream about him constantly... every moment is him. But. I did something horrible... and... and it's just eating me up inside. I carved his name into my upper, outer thigh. Two days ago. First... first, I don't even know what I was doing. I was ... I was.. I dunno. I was outside in my garage, smoking a cigarette... and they lay my mom's box cutter... those orange knives. And it was just... it was just impulse. I couldn't think... and whatever I did think about... wasn't rational. It wasn't convincing... it was... stupid. It was... so very stupid of me. First, it just started with four straight lines across my thigh. That was it. But... the more I cut, the more I though, the more I cried... the more I thought of Daniel... the more everything just built up.
( The rest, including pictures. May be triggering. )

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