Why?

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 11:57:53 GMT

Okay. So... you know how I feel about Daniel, my ex? I mean... he was my life. ... I mean... I mean. I promised him everything, everything. When I said that I daydreamed about living with Elijah, ETC... I meant it... but, I would have married Dan in an instant... like. Just. He was the most amazing guy I've ever known, my WHOLE life. And then... when we broke up... I always promised myself ... okay, you're not going to fall back into old habits... you're not going to cut. You're not going to get depressed... you have Eli. ... and right now, I couldn't ask for more. I mean that... I do. Man. FUCK. I do. I, I can't even explain how much I love him... y'know? Like, it makes me tear up just to think about it. Because I... I... just fucking love him. I can't explain it, and I can't put it into words. It's, just, definitely, totally unexplainable. Phenomenal. It's so hard to say it... it's so hard to hurt him, and leave him in the cold like this. Not telling him, and telling you. Sorting my problems out with my ex, of all people. And not him. I can just imagine how that makes him feel. And... that hurts. So, so fucking bad. But... even now I don't know if I can even tell him or not. I mean. =\. I dunno. That guy is... Elijah is everything to me. I mean. I can't really say anything to justify that. I think about him constantly, I daydream about him constantly... every moment is him. But. I did something horrible... and... and it's just eating me up inside. I carved his name into my upper, outer thigh. Two days ago. First... first, I don't even know what I was doing. I was ... I was.. I dunno. I was outside in my garage, smoking a cigarette... and they lay my mom's box cutter... those orange knives. And it was just... it was just impulse. I couldn't think... and whatever I did think about... wasn't rational. It wasn't convincing... it was... stupid. It was... so very stupid of me. First, it just started with four straight lines across my thigh. That was it. But... the more I cut, the more I though, the more I cried... the more I thought of Daniel... the more everything just built up.
And then... I just straight up sliced his name into my leg. I sound so fucking emo... and I'm loosing everything I built for... that Dan... that I promised. That I wanted to happen. I haven't cut for five months... and for someone who has for seven years... that's a lot. I broke it. What is he going to think of me? ... What if I loose him? What if I fucking loose him... I can't. I couldn't deal with that. Honestly, whole-heartedly... I couldn't. I would be torn apart... as cliche as that sounds... as much as people say it... I mean it. I'd kill myself. I just... I would. I wouldn't think second of it. I did something... I tore down something that I built for fix months. That I ... that nutured... I wanted to get better. I wanted it. I was. I was forever... with Daniel. I didn't even think about it... ever. Not a stray moment... not a stray thought. And that's what hurts even more. I love Elijah more than Daniel, fuck, of course I do... and yet... I still did it. And... I did it because of him. Throughout my relationship with Elijah... I've always... I've never let go of Dan. Ever. And I was so fucking stupid to get into a relationship with Elijah... as devoted as I am now... as much as I geniunely adore him, love him. I can't let go. And.. I think... the reason that I just cut... was because of Daniel. Those lines, those four lines that I did... that was just from the hurt... but then... when I did Elijah.. it was more of... carving his name into me so I could feel the pain that... that... Daniel caused me. Like... Making Elijah more real to me. ( Even though I love him enough... I love him... he's real. He's everything. ) Can you understand that? Like... his name in blood ... to prove to myself that I love him more. I never carved Daniel's name into me... never did the notion even cross my mind. ... But... I did with Eli. It's like... if I cause myself pain... I will forget Daniel. If I brand myself with Elijah... I will forget him... if I cut myself... if I break down all that I built up just for Elijah... that it will mean more than my relationship with Dan. Like.. what I promised Dan... what I promised myself... if I could break that down because of Elijah... it's like. He means more. And that's perverted... it's absurd... it's disgustingly vile. It's... gross, and... and... I'm just a beast for doing it. And now, that's what I'm stuck with. Elijah's name on my leg... and all this. All this about ... what I just said.

PIRATE == INDUSTRIAL >> Sarbear

Why?